How I Long Again to Fly Unfurled and Free So Far Above the Ground
Permit'south face it — hardly anybody wants to listen to the flight attendants on an airplane. If it's the in-flight prophylactic announcements, it's boring. If it'south an emergency proclamation, it'south terrifying. Neither of those are optimal states of being, then what tin can yous do?
A sense of humor goes a long fashion in making boring situations tolerable and terrifying situations manageable. These flight attendants keep usa laughing despite the challenges of mod air travel.
You've Got to Become Your Inventory Somewhere
Perhaps nosotros'd all leave fewer things behind on airplanes if nosotros knew they'd end upwards getting peddled on the black market. Upon landing, one airline attendant was overheard saying, "Please feel free to leave backside whatsoever of your items in the overhead compartment; I'm having a k sale this weekend."
Adjacent time you see your luggage, cervix pillows or duty-free vodka in someone's forepart k, y'all'll know where they came from. Perhaps if yous work something out with the flight attendant, you lot tin can get a cutting!
Rough Landing
After a peculiarly rough landing, one flight attendant quipped, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have but attacked Los Angeles." Afterwards the luggage has been thrown asunder throughout the motel, the booze has splashed on your holiday clothes, yous whispered your prayers and your duke have whitened…it's always good to end on a hearty laugh.
See? You almost all died in a horrific fireball crashing onto the runway at uncontrollable speeds. Simply you didn't, and so just forget it and get soused at the airport bar like the rest of the passengers.
For the Quickest Way off the Airplane…
Being intimidated by the buttons above you in passenger seating is silly. Look at the pilots — they have hundreds of buttons to deal with. Y'all take just a few little buttons above your seat, and none of them affect the functioning of the plane. At least, that'south what we're told.
But not and so fast. One flight attendant said this: "The yellowish push button is your reading light. Please don't printing the orange push unless you absolutely have to. The orangish button is your ejector seat button." Better hope you waited for those instructions!
Information technology Seemed Similar a Good Thought at the Time
It'south unlikely that anyone who has ever dreamed of having children has really idea through all the details. Sure, those kids seem to complete the idyllic family life, but that was before you lot locked yourself into a metal cylinder with them hurtling through the air at ludicrous speeds.
One flight attendant was overheard request a question for the ages: "For those of y'all traveling with your children — why? And for those of you that are traveling with 2 of your children, what in the world were yous thinking?"
Don't Go Stuck Belongings the Bag
Flying attendants come up with creative ways of getting all the passengers off the plane equally shortly every bit possible. They're on a tight schedule and don't have time for dawdlers.
I tin merely imagine the stampede of passengers rushing off when one flight attendant appear, "Concluding one off the plane must clean information technology." They're kidding, correct? They have specialized teams of cleaners for that, don't they? Better push a few children and old ladies out of the style just to be certain.
She'due south Popular
Southwest Airlines flight bellboy Marty Cobb posted a viral video of herself performing a comedic version of the condom instructions. She started with, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for merely a few moments? My ex-hubby, my new boyfriend and their divorce attorney are going to show the safety features."
Of form, she was kidding. Or maybe she was only half-kidding. Either way, she might've picked up a few more than phone numbers on that flight. Just be conscientious, fellas; she's a man-eater, and you may cease up on YouTube.
That's Gonna Toll Ya
Viral flight attendant star Marty Cobb had a few more jokes up her sleeve, touching on how airlines like to nickel and dime passengers for civilities. During the in-flight safety demonstration with the oxygen mask, she announced, "To activate the menses of oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute."
Well, that'south reasonable. Things like snack boxes, liquor, in-flight Wi-Fi and oxygen are all extra. Expect. What? Don't worry about it. As long equally yous have a small-scale- or medium-sized backpack total of quarters, you'll be just fine.
Put It Out or We'll Put You Out
There was a day when passengers could smoke in the passenger cabins of airplanes, only those days are long gone. Yet, some passengers still need some polite reminding.
Not to put too fine a betoken on it, ane flying attendant announced, "At that place is no smoking in the cabin on this flying. There is also no smoking in the toilets. If we see any smoke coming from a toilet, nosotros volition assume y'all are on burn down and put you out. This is a complimentary service nosotros provide to you."
Was That My Luggage?
There's nothing like a flake of violent dropping and shaking on an plane to get the ol' blood flowing again. Panic is normally passengers' showtime reaction, followed by a expiry grip on the armrests and the downing of whatsoever liquor within reach. Information technology'south not pleasant, and it can't terminate soon enough.
Flying attendants know this and often attempt to disarm the situation with humor. During a nasty spell of turbulence, a flight bellboy bodacious passengers, "No need to exist alarmed folks. That's but the sound of your luggage being ejected from the aircraft."
Attempt Not to Think About Information technology
Does anyone ever actually stop to think that strapping into an airplane and flying across the country is something our ancestors would accept considered insane? That there's nothing separating you from the ground thousands of anxiety downwardly other than a thin canvass of metallic?
In case they might've forgotten, one flying bellboy reminded passengers, "Thank you for flight with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you lot'll think of U.s.a. Airways."
Aiming to Please
It'southward corking to know that when something goes wrong on an airplane, the flight attendants and crew attempt to go out of their way to fix it. It doesn't e'er piece of work, only at to the lowest degree they put in some effort.
Riffing on traditional customer service spiels, one flight attendant assured passengers who had been waiting a long time at the gate, "Lamentable for the filibuster folks, simply the machine that breaks your baggage is broken. Nosotros'll accept you off the plane every bit before long as we get done breaking it by hand."
Choose Well
Nature has a style of guaranteeing the survival of your genes. If you have many children, congratulations! They'll await afterward yous when you lot've grown old. As long as you look later on them well right now — which might be difficult, depending on the flight you book.
Instance in point? One flight attendant pointed out the post-obit during the condom demonstration: "If you are traveling with ii or more children, please take a moment now to determine which one is your favorite. Help that one kickoff, and then piece of work your way down."
Don't Become Your Hopes Upwards
Though experienced flyers know what all the buttons above the seat do, at that place are always a few newbies who may not. The flying attendants are there to help get those rookies defenseless up to speed.
As Southwest Airlines flight bellboy Jeff Simpson once explained, "Nosotros'll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb button volition turn your reading light on. Yet, pushing the flight-attendant button will not turn your flight attendant on." Thank goodness for that.
It'south Like a Water Park
No one ever wants to actually imagine what happens "in the issue of a water landing." Yes, you're glad there are precautions, merely you pray this won't happen to you. That'southward not a euphemism you lot desire to hear associated with planes.
One Southwest Airlines flight attendant put a chipper spin on the gloom and doom of imagining the worst and reframed information technology every bit a political party: "In the event of a water landing, your seat-lesser cushions can be used as flotation devices. Simply kicking-paddle, kick-paddle all the manner to shore. We will be sure to follow you with the booze."
It's But Business concern
If you cease and think about it, business travelers pay a lot for their airline tickets, particularly when you consider how much they pay for huge upgrades over motorcoach. This is not lost on the flying attendants, who seem to give a nod to the fact that these frequent flyers spend quite a fleck.
Said one snarky flight bellboy on Delta, "Thanks for flying Delta Business Express. Nosotros hope you enjoyed giving us the business equally much equally nosotros enjoyed taking you lot for a ride."
Non to Land the Obvious
Take-off speed for the average commercial airliner is somewhere around 150 miles an hr. That's faster than you lot'll go in a auto, and y'all're doing it in a gigantic jetliner that weighs somewhere effectually 60 tons. Those engines take to work overtime to get you into the air. If you lot finish and think about what it takes, you realize information technology's quite impressive.
As one Southwest flight attendant said: "Buckle your seatbelts folks. We're about to go so fast that nosotros're gonna fly." It'due south kind of a modernistic miracle, so strap yourself in!
No One Flies for the Food
Airplane nutrient has been the butt of jokes for decades. And with skilful reason! But to be fair, non every airline serves horrible food, and if y'all're in start class, your feel is much different. That being said, for most everyone the meals are merely awful.
The flight attendants know this, and in one of their announcements they used it as a threat: "Please remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop at the gate. Anyone defenseless standing up volition be force-fed some other meal."
Public Service Announcement
We all know smoking is bad for us, all the same millions of people nonetheless light up every twenty-four hour period. Generations ago, smoking was everywhere: restaurants, planes, bars, hotels. These days in nearly places, smoking is limited to outdoor spaces or inside your own abode.
Back in the 1990s, in that location was another major push using public service announcements to stop people from smoking. I passenger who was flying United Airlines dorsum and so remembers overhearing a flight attendant announce: "…and every bit y'all enter the final, delight remember not to smoke…for the rest of your lives."
If Yous Don't Like the Oxygen, You'll Love the Alcohol
Everyone who's flown has seen the rubber demonstration, so it's not like you're missing something if you tune out — except when the flight attendants start messing with your head. Southwest, in particular, is known for inserting humour into the otherwise-dry and canned safety announcements that the Federal Aviation Assistants makes mandatory.
It'due south when you lot're kind of zoning out that they can skid in the stealth joke. During the oxygen-mask presentation, i flying bellboy quipped, "Although the plastic purse may not inflate, y'all are receiving lots and lots of gin."
Whatever Happens in Vegas…
Flight attendants working the shuttle between Los Angeles and Las Vegas have surely seen it all. The contrast betwixt the "we're all gonna be rich!" energy on the way to Vegas couldn't be more than different than the "we're hungover and broke" vibe on the way back. Reality is pretty tough.
As one passenger was returning to Los Angeles from Vegas, he heard the flying attendant say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed our short flight from Las Vegas. As a friendly reminder, please put your hymeneals rings dorsum on."
The Choice Is Yours
Let's face information technology. Flying isn't an ideal condolement situation for anyone unless you're in first or business class — but even all those amenities tin can't make up for beingness trapped in a can tin with dozens of people flying at unfathomable speeds.
However, with the correct mindset, you can at least savour a drink, watch a movie, listen to music or accept a nap to pass the time. One flight bellboy encouraged passengers to discover their inner Zen: "Sit back and relax, or sit up and exist tense, either way."
Survival Can Be a Party
This joke was so popular it made the regular rounds on the Southwest in-flight safety announcements for a while. It's difficult to make light of a potentially life-threatening situation, but it'due south not hard to recognize the ridiculous way statement a life vest makes.
If y'all're going to practice gallows plane sense of humor, you might as well get a little silly with it. As many of the flying attendants on Southwest say, "You lot'll observe in the highly unlikely result the captain lands most a hot tub everybody gets their ain teeny weeny xanthous bikini."
The Smoking Section Is Breezy
The urge for serious smokers to showtime puffing on a flying is existent. That's the ability of nicotine addiction. But, unless you're a fourth dimension traveler from the 1960s, everyone knows that you lot tin can't light up on a airplane. Betwixt the jet fuel and the flammable upholstery, it's a wonder smoking was ever allowed to begin with.
This windy warning was heard on a Southwest flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if y'all wish to fume, the smoking section on this plane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
Get Out the Dorsum, Jack
About everyone would like to call up that they'd remain calm in an emergency situation, but reality dictates otherwise. In instance of an emergency landing, the biggest and strongest among the passengers might fall apart, while the smallest and shyest may be stoic and calm. This is why it's important to heed during the part of the prophylactic demonstration almost exits.
Every bit one flight attendant pointed out, "At that place may exist 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are simply iv ways out of this airplane." Retrieve, and have notes.
Who Says Nothing Is Gratuitous Anymore?
The older generations recall that flying used to come with all kinds of perks that were gratis with your boarding pass. Meals were much more extravagant. You didn't have to pay extra for carry-on luggage. You could usually get at least one boozy drink for costless.
These days you're lucky if you can get some actress cheese and crackers for less than $15. But you still get a few things for costless. One client-minded flight attendant reminded passengers, "Delight go along your seat belts fastened and enjoy our gratuitous turbulence."
Opposite Psychology
Sometimes it's more than powerful to work with passenger urges instead of confronting them. Flight attendants know about that weird xx minutes or so between when the airplane lands and when it comes to a full stop. That'south when every rider on the plane is champing at the chip to stand up, stretch and become out.
Once 1 item flight landed in London, the flight attendants announced, "We are currently recruiting people to make clean the shipping. If you wish to volunteer, then please stand up before we accept come up to a stop."
Nosotros Accept Full Responsibility
There'south zilch more than refreshing than an airline that takes complete responsibility for whatsoever and all client service-related issues. Well, in that location's one matter more refreshing: an airline that doesn't have itself as well seriously and uses humor to defuse issues. For some reason, information technology'due south easier to trust someone who's funny over a stiff stuffed shirt.
One chipper Southwest flight attendant said, "Thanks for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flight today. If you had any problems with this flying, remember you were riding with Delta." Got that? D-Due east-L-T-A.
You Aren't Made of Money
Fines are steep for misbehaving on airplanes. Penalties are high for smoking, considering, yous know, open up flames and flammable everything-around-you don't mix. And you just can't get that cigarette smoke out of the recirculated air.
During the condom demonstration, a flight attendant fabricated that clear by announcing: "No smoking is allowed, not even in the toilets. Don't be naughty in our potty. If you do there is a $2,000 fine, and if yous had that kind of money yous'd exist flying United instead of Southwest."
Don't Scrimp on the Extras
After the full presentation on using the oxygen mask in an emergency, Southwest flight attendant Marty Cobb added, "And allow's be honest, simply those that paid the extra $49.99 get whatsoever extra oxygen."
The funny (or not-so-funny) matter about this is that nearly everyone could imagine a futurity in which people might have to pay extra in accelerate for life-saving amenities such as oxygen or inflatable life vests. Maybe if you just spring for the floating cushion, you lot tin suck the air out of that instead.
Grin and Don't Panic
Ane plane had such a rough landing in Phoenix, even the smiling flight attendants couldn't help commenting. Yous have to wonder if they accept these announcements scripted beforehand. If they don't, well-nigh flying attendants could have futures in the one-act circuit.
One passenger recalls them reacting off the cuff: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Coiffure have brought the shipping to a screeching halt upwardly against the gate. And, once the tire fume has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can option your mode through the wreckage to the final." Sometimes information technology'due south meliorate when they're not pretending everything is fine.
Source: https://www.faqtoids.com/travel/funny-flight-attendants?utm_content=params%3Ao%3D740006%26ad%3DdirN%26qo%3DserpIndex
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